It is an unfortunate fact that all too often people are influenced by
consensus rather than by what is right. A person completely confident in
his or her own convictions can dismiss the contradictory opinions aired
by others, be they neighbors, acquaintances, or the media. Only those
who do not measure their own worth in terms of the approbation or
censure by others are truly free to evaluate an issue calmly, logically
-- and on its own merits.
But while many issues are no more than harmless trivialities, remarkable
more for their sheer fatuity than merit, there is a current issue of
crucial significance being treated casually. That issue is family
planning, and has become so widespread as to affect all but the
strongest individuals. Its ill effects cannot be overstated, for it
involves issues no less than marital harmony, mental stability, and the
entire husband-wife relationship. Ironically, it masquerades under the
guise of benevolence, proclaiming concern for the well-being of a
married couple, and indeed the entirety of mankind. Many arguments are
put forward for limiting the size of the family but all rest upon the
same underlying assumption: to do so is good for both the parents as
individuals, and humanity as a whole. How true this is we shall
presently see.
It must be clearly stated that Halachah, Jewish Law, strictly forbids contraception except in special circumstances --
and only after consultation with competent Halachic authorities. But
there is empirical evidence that simple unquestioning adherence to the
Halachah is no longer necessary on this issue. Although the Halachah
overrules human logic, in this case they are consonant; human experience
attests to the wisdom of the Torah command. It is our intention to
examine some of the objections raised against having more than a limited
number of children, dealing primarily with those of an individual
nature.[1]
One of the strongest objections is fear of financial inability to
support children. Naturally, parents want the best for their children,
and fear of being unable to provide adequately is a powerful deterrent
to having them. This is a genuine concern -- but based on an assumption
which springs from a weakness of faith and presumptuousness. One who
fears that he will not be able to provide is assuming that it is
completely through his efforts that he does succeed. True, Torah
requires that man work to provide for his family. But it is a primary
tenet of Judaism that all success comes from G-d, that it is His
blessings that give sustenance, not one’s own efforts alone. It is G-d
Who provides for all of His creatures; another mouth will not overburden
Him.
An appraisal of motives might be in order. Is it possible that the
concern of financial limitations may be a rationalization for living in a
particular lifestyle? Contemporary society demands a standard that is,
to say the least, profligate. Is it possible that we have adopted
indulgences as necessities and this causes the worry about financial
means? It is time to assess priorities to avoid regarding indulgence of
trivial desires as necessity and a reason for not having children.
Besides financial worries, a serious concern is the personal toll that
raising children exacts from parents. It has become almost axiomatic in
today’s society that a goal in life is personal pleasure and enjoyment,
and the pursuit thereof. If children prove an obstacle to a carefree
existence, then children will have to go. And who can deny that they
constitute an immense personal burden in terms of energy, freedom of
movement and time, not to mention the emotional toll they exact.
But the real problem is not one of sufficient personal resources, but rather one of priorities. In many other areas -- careers, personal goals etc. -- people do manage to put up with great inconvenience and sacrifice to attain their object --
if it is considered important enough. The real problem is that children
are regarded not as sources of joy and happiness, but as burdens and
impediments to pleasure and "fulfillment."
This is not the authentic Jewish view. Historically our ancestors did not think so; to them, children were the greatest nachas
possible, and the more the better. The first Mitzvah in the Torah is be
fruitful and multiply. To rear a child, to initiate him or her into the
Jewish faith, to educate children in Torah and Mitzvos -- this is true nachas. Being childless, no matter how much freedom it allows, cannot compare in rewards.
Let us be fair in our evaluation, applying the same foresight and long range planning that dictates not having children, to the problems
it generates; look at the other side of the coin. The pleasure of
freedom from the encumbrance of children for a few years dissolves into
-- what? The growing emptiness of middle age? The loneliness of old
age? All too swiftly carefree youth crumbles into the bleakness of the
later childless years. The immense satisfaction and comfort of children
and grandchildren are denied by a few years of fleeting freedom. That is shortsightedness; that is lack
of planning! Looking too far ahead? No more than those who look twenty
years or more into the future when worrying about their financial
ability to rear and educate children.
But, the argument continues. Granted that having children is a fine,
even beautiful thing; but at least give people the choice as to when
to have children. Can people be faulted for wishing to space their
children, to have a break between one child and the next? Or for
delaying their first child until they feel emotionally and financially
able? Seemingly logical, certainly appealing. But while it is an axiom
of Judaism that man has free choice, do not confuse this with unlimited opportunity to
choose. A child is not a faucet, to be turned on at will. No power on
earth can guarantee the birth of a baby. That decision, that power, is
G-d’s, and G-d’s alone, the third Partner in every child. The possible
blessing so disdained earlier may not be available later. Take His
blessings when He offers them, gratefully, and rest assured that this
third Partner is benevolent, all-knowing, Who can be trusted to know the
best time.
Bluntly: it is presumptuous for anyone to see herself as the final
authority determining life. Attempts to regulate life based solely on
man’s limited understanding are foolhardy, and the stakes are too high
to risk the unpredictable.
An altruistic objection is put forward by women who wish to have more
time to devote to worthy causes and good works. This sentiment is
predicated on a false assumption. A woman s worth is not to be measured
in terms that society dictates. Charitable causes are undoubtedly worthy
pursuits, but no less worthy is child-raising. Who has determined that
charity is superior to rearing children? Not Torah. A child granted by
G-d indicates what must take precedence. Furthermore: endeavors in such
pursuits in the limited time she does have, will be blessed with more
than enough success to compensate for time spent in raising a child. And
who can know what great things that child, raised with the loving care
of his parents, will ultimately achieve?
A final argument is that repeated child-bearing can have a detrimental
effect on a woman’s beauty. Our sages have stressed the importance of
beauty in Jewish women, both spiritual and physical. Hence, runs the
argument, and it is a legitimate one, it would be wise to refrain from
too many children to ensure the continuing affection between husband and
wife.
Torah values however are not identical with today’s mores. A woman’s
beauty is a private matter, confined to herself and her husband.
Modesty, a commodity so rare today, is the highest term of approbation
that can be bestowed upon a Jewish woman. When that modesty is kept,
when that inner beauty is retained, no amount of child-bearing can
damage the relationship between a man and wife. Indeed the reverse is
true: the fulfillment of this greatest of Mitzvos -- to be fruitful -- ultimately leads to a more enduring relationship between the couple. Her beauty becomes deeper, more enduring.
But all these are theoretical points, arguments and counter-arguments,
objections, products of man’s ingenious mind. But experience teaches
too. Statistics reveal some sobering facts. Precisely in the past few
generations, when the concept of family planning has become so
wide-spread, we see the highest rates of marital discord. Disharmony in
the home, separations, divorces, ugly quarrels, tension, nervous
frustrations, psychiatric disorders -- the problems are legion, matched
only by their severity. [Parenthetically, there is the not unrelated
point of financial problems. The substantial amounts of money spent in
such cases seeking relief, paid to psychiatrists etc., could well have
been put to more healthy uses.] Compare now with previous generations,
especially in Jewish homes, where family planning was unthinkable. The
divorce rate was infinitesimal, respect and harmony between spouses
legendary in the eyes of the world. And let us not forget the effect on
the children, growing up in a household of peace and harmony and shared
ideals and values.
The reason for the gulf between generations is simple. Man was created
in a certain way, and attempts to interfere must lead to disruptions.
The human body is infinitely intricate. Disrupting its natural functions
inevitably causes problems. Family planning, presented as helpful and
logical, causes many of the marital problems so prevalent today.
In conclusion, let us cite a striking narrative in the Torah. We are all descendants of the four matriarchs of our people --
Sarah, Rivkah, Rochel and Leah. Each was distinguished for her
particular gifts, each expressed her self-worth in different ways. Yet
there was one common bond between them, one thing which united them
together: each longed for children, a yearning that knew no limits. The
Torah, normally so sparing of its words, describes in detail the lengths
to which they went to achieve this end. They were the archetypes of all
Jewish women, and we would do well to heed their lesson. Birth control,
family planning -- call it what you will -- is a fad that has
Crippled Jewish women for too long. True self-worth, true identity, does
not belong to those who blindly follow the dictates of contemporary
society. Children, many children, are the greatest gift and blessing G-d
can bestow upon us; do not let imagined obstacles stand in the way of
enjoying these blessings. And then, "with our youth and our elders, our
sons and our daughters," we will go joyfully to greet our righteous
redeemer, speedily in our times.